The Four Bankers

The scene: Four recently retired chief executives of
major financial firms, Kenneth, Vikram, Maurice and Alvaro, meet at an
exclusive resort. A waiter pours Champagne.

Kenneth: Ah, Dom Perignon
White Gold Jeroboam! We’ve come a long way, gentlemen!

Vikram: Who would
have thought we’d one day be drinking White Gold?

Alvaro: Not I.

Maurice: No.

Kenneth: I remember
when we had to settle for 1995 Krug Clos Ambonnay. It was tough then.

Alvaro: Oh, you were
lucky. We used to serve Piper Sonoma in the boardroom.

Vikram: Oh, but you
had a boardroom! We served Cook’s in the men’s room to our shareholders.

Maurice: If only I
still had shareholders! I was lucky enough to have MD 20/20 mixed with Sprite
to give to a few temporary staff in the hall.

Kenneth: Pure
luxury! We held meetings on the sidewalk. We had month-old grape juice in a
broken fridge, spat in it, and gave it to anyone who couldn’t outrun us, and if
we had any leftovers, had to drink it ourselves.

Maurice: Those were
the days.

Vikram: Yes. Before
we took the TARP funds.

Alvaro: We all took
the money. Hate to admit it. We took $5 billion and frittered it away. Nothing
to show for it.

Maurice: Ha! We
accepted $40 billion and became the laughingstock of the industry. Had to give
up the gold-plated toilet seats and the jet.

Kenneth: A pittance!
We took $45 billion and used it to buy Merrill Lynch! We’re still paying off
Henry Blodget’s severance package!

Vikram: Amateurs! We
took $50 billion, in THREE rounds, and had to pay it back! To the GOVERNMENT,
no less! All so I could keep my $3 million salary….

Alvaro: If I could
have paid it to just the government! We had to prop up General Motors and
Chrysler, fund lazy consumers’ car shopping for HYBRID electric vehicles and
drive to Washington, D.C., in a 1985 Oldsmobile Cutlass to thank Congress for
its beneficence.

Kenneth: You DROVE
to Washington? We WALKED to Washington and GROVELED at Timothy Geithner’s feet
while we were berated by angry MEDIA in order to get just a few extra billion.

Vikram: What I
wouldn’t have given to be berated! We had to CRAWL to Washington on our KNEES
in midwinter, KISS Nancy Pelosi’s ring and allow ourselves to be FLOGGED by
volunteers from ACORN so we could raise a third $25 billion installment. Oh,
the price we had to pay….

A pregnant pause.

Maurice: Right. We
took $40 billion in ONE payment, GAVE it all to the Democratic National
Committee, SOLD the private island, RESIGNED, ACCEPTED government ownership of
our stock, BEGGED on national television for a salary cap and wrote a New
York Times op-ed ENDORSING PAUL KRUGMAN’S book! And I had to promise
never to do it again!

An awkward silence falls.

Vikram: You accepted
government stock ownership?

Maurice: Indeed, I
did.

The men all look at each other.

Kenneth: Did you at
least cross your fingers when you promised?

Alvaro: FINGERS?! If
only I….

Vikram: Please,
Alvaro.

Maurice: Yes, it was
painful, but they were good times, too, weren’t they? Who’s to say we wouldn’t
do it again?

Kenneth: Indeed.
Cheers, gentlemen! To our profession’s glorious past! And its
glorious future!

They clink glasses.

Curtain.

(With apologies to At
Last the 1948 Show)