The MBA Final Exam (Revised)

Name: _____________________________________________

Desired Occupation: __________________________________

Desired Salary: ______________________________________

Note to the MBA candidate: This year’s final has been shortened and simplified in keeping with the challenging economic and business climate we face. Because a strong economy needs strong entrepreneurs, cheating is expressly prohibited except where it is done to prevent failure.

1. You are the CEO of a large bank, and have just discovered your $1-billion loan portfolio is saddled with subprime loans at risk of default. How do you address this problem?

      a. Write to your shareholders, explaining the situation. Prepare resignation letter just in case.
     b. Petition the government to take the most toxic assets off your books. Lay off staff.
     c. Package the loans into vehicles of similar risk and sell them off as securities to Wall Street investment bankers. Double down with the profits.
     d. Securitize the loans, sell them off, lay off the staff, sell the building, take the profits and head for the Caymans.

2. You are a junior mail clerk in a large, old-school diversified manufacturing company. You have a brilliant idea for a new product, which you just know will revolutionize the industry. What do you do?

     a. Bide your time. Work your way up the ladder until you’re in a position to get your proposal approved. Or killed.
     b. Tell your supervisor your idea and hope s/he doesn’t steal it. Brace yourself.
     c. Take your idea, bypass your supervisor and CEO, and pitch it straight to the board of directors. Tell them it’s for the kids.
     d. No one listens to a junior mail clerk. Start impersonating the boss and talking up your idea. Someone will surely notice.

3. Which one addition to the workplace will guarantee increased productivity?

     a. A nice stapler.
     b. Profits.
     c. Weekly “booze-and-blow” parties.
     d. Chair restraints.

4. You are a 21-year-old computer science student at Stanford with 7,531 Facebook friends. How do you launch a viable business from this platform?

     a. Start blogging about and posting photos of your girl/boyfriend. Put out a PayPal tip jar.
     b. Create a customized line of racy greetings and characters that can be exchanged and collected, then start blasting every blogger and Twitter whore about the new “poking for adults.” Use Google AdSense for revenue, with a paid “premium” level.
     c. Write a new Facebook game, “Porn Wars.” Charge $10 per month.
      d. Create a Facebook mail virus that uses Social Security numbers to “verify” all recipients’ accounts. Sell the lot to a computer science student in Kazakhstan. Use the money to buy an offshore floating oil platform which will be your secret base for your gang of elite hackers.

5. Which one addition to the workplace will guarantee reduced productivity?

     a. Water cooler.
     b. Facebook.
     c. Hangovers.
     d. Free will.

6. You run a large public software company with a stranglehold on the PC market, but you have a reputation for crash-prone products and for ripping off more innovative competitors. How do you change this reputation? (Your spending limit is $30 billion.)

     a. Launch a pervasive marketing campaign featuring has-been comedians and retired billionaires to show that your company is “just like everyone else.”
     b. Launch a slew of new products, from portable music players tosearch engines, targeting only competitors with greater than 80 percent market share.
     c. Invest $240 million in the hot social networking site of the moment. Figure out what it’s for later.
     d. Reputation is for wusses. Use your opponents’ strengths against them: Use Google Earth to help pinpoint targets for a nuclear strike on the Bay Area. Cackle gleefully.

7. What is typically the most expendable benefit on a corporate balance sheet?

     a. Parking permits.
     b. Health care.
     c. Chairs.
     d. Oxygen.

Scoring: You get 1 point for “a” answers, 5 points for each “b,” 10 points for each “c,” and 20 points for each “d.” Fewer than 25 points: You’re probably not cut out for the business world. But we instead present you with a consolatory Bachelor of Arts in English. 26–55: Adequate, but uninspiring. You’ll make an excellent corporate minion, even if one day you die of ennui. Get your degree and disappear. 56–100: You’ve been watching a bit too much Wall Street, haven’t you? Not bad. A bit over the top. We hear Goldman Sachs has a few openings. More than 100 points: Not only are you a new breed of MBA, we suspect you wrote the book. Or at least cribbed it. Don’t let academic suspension or a jail term stop you, Mr. Burns. The world is yours for the taking!

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