Redefining Cool

Im just not cool enough to be a Mac person. For $1,000,
they only have one computer available, and thats got a 13-inch screen. I need
the 17-inch screen. Unfortunately, I dont have the money to be cool. Sorry,
Apple.

I suppose Ill settle for Windows. Or maybe DOS.

Im also not cool enough to be an iPhone person. They dont
have one that has high-speed web surfing, eight gigs of memory for music,
unlimited texting and comes free with a one-year contract. Ill go with
AT&Ts model with something called rotary dial (its supposed to be touch
sensitive).

I guess Im not cool enough to be a Prius person. They dont
have one that gets 45 miles per gallon, has a built-in iPod jack, sunroof and
costs less than $10,000, to say nothing about zero percent down and a $2,000
instant rebate. Hello, Metro.

Lets not talk about what it takes to be a Diesel person,
cause I aint got it, and Im not talking about the extra pounds that accrete
with each passing year. Im more of a three-pairs-of-Dockers-for-$50-at-Costco
person.

Im not cool enough to be an appletini person. Not at the
Capital Grille. Even a soy milk frappuccino to go is a stretch. Ill stick to
Miller High Life, the Champagne of Beers, on the Ikea Ektorp couch.

While were on the subject, it strikes me that Im lacking
in the cool department when it comes to pan-seared halibut steak, unagi sashimi
or even hamburger from grass-fed cows shipped from an organic ranch within 100
miles to my local farmers market. Not for the $2 Im willing to spend. But
that 15-ounce can of Le Sueur Peas at Wal-Mart looks promising.

Its occurred to me that coolness is getting pricey. College
degrees used to be affordable and somewhat remarkable. To open doors nowadays
you need a Technology Management MBA from Stanford and a first job at a
microfinance Web 3.0 company in the developing world, preferably staffed
entirely by locals paid sustainable wages, and whose profits support basic literacy
programs for poor, doe-eyed, nine-fingered orphans with pet kittens. Guess I
wont be delivering the keynote at the next TED conference. For my money, Im
thinking community college, but Im torn between Discovering the Intertubes
or Cooking with Le Sueur Peas, both of which are taught by a guy named Ted in
Renton. He does have a pet vole, though.

Worrying about coolness hasnt been good for my heart,
either. If I were cool, it wouldnt be too much to have a minimally-invasive
aortal stent and latex-free angioplasty, plus a private recovery room and
bedside catering by a caring but intriguingly stern brunette nurse named
Astrid. But medical care for me is more on the order of whisky, razor blades
and leeches.

Finally, after cutting my expenses for cool stuff, I either
have to settle for uncool or radically adjust my definition of cool downward
(at least until poor is the new cool). But then Id have to fend off all those
rich people rushing in to co-opt the new cool. Because if theres one thing I
know, its that money always chases cool, not the other way around.