Please, Mr. Post Man: What’s Bezos saying?

If you like how the media cover the media and who doesnt enjoy journalists talking about journalism? you can appreciate how coverage of The Washington Posts purchase by one Jeffrey P. Bezos should easily win the Bloviator Award for much ado about a guy going out to get a paper.

Weeks after the purchase was announced, media people were still weighing in on the impact of Amazon.coms CEO owning something so quaintly antiquated. The sale even received the imprimatur of The Daily Show, making it officially newsworthy among the hip and sardonically inclined.

Yet no one knows what Bezos really plans to do with the Post. Using it to wrap fish for delivery by AmazonFresh trucks seems entirely plausible. But anyone bent on world domination, as Bezos seems to be, probably has bigger plans. The problem is that Bezos isnt saying. Even The Washington Post got a terse no comment when it approached Bezos for details on his plans for the paper.

The New York Times, in its own coverage of the acquisition, had a little fun with Bezoss chronic publicity shyness, quoting James Marcus, an early employee of Amazon who is now executive editor of Harpers magazine, as saying, Every story you ever see about Amazon, it has that sentence: An Amazon spokesman declined to comment. The Times followed Marcuss observation with a cheeky: Drew Herdener, an Amazon spokesman, declined to comment.

Given Bezoss reticence, we thought it might be helpful to conduct an imaginary interview with him. His illuminating responses are taken directly from his annual letter to Amazon shareholders. Here, then, is Jeff Bezos in his own words:

Where did you get the idea to buy The Washington Post?

… at a Florida beach.

Tell us about your plans for improving delivery of the Post.

Our passion for pioneering will drive us to explore narrow passages, and, unavoidably, many will turn out to be blind alleys.

How would you like readers and subscribers to evaluate this pioneering Washington Post?

We want to be weighed, and were always working to build a heavier company.

How much does the company weigh right now?

… 159 …

I would have guessed more. Where does it like to work out?

… on the upgrade treadmill.

As the new owner of a heavy newspaper, what do you see as your principal role?

Proactively delighting customers …

In what way?

… using four-year-old Kindles.

Dont you ever get tired?

I can keep going …

What keeps you going?

… the drive to get the customer to say, WOW! …

You seem to have the passion of a zealot. Are you a religious man?

I am incredibly lucky to be a part of this large team of outstanding missionaries …

Any thoughts on how you plan to deal with the Posts employees?

Imagine how youd like it if you were paid twice a year.

Im not sure I would. Is this part of your goal looking forward?

… I think long-term thinking squares the circle.

What does that mean?

… we dont wait for external pressures.

Come again?

We invent before we have to. These investments are motivated by customer focus rather than by reaction to competition.

So what sort of improvements can we expect at your Washington Post?

… poor video playback …

Any other goals?

… to sell premium hardware at roughly break-even prices.

Anything else?

… to make the entire Harry Potter series available …

Interesting. What did the Graham family say when your people said you were interested in buying the Post for $250 million?

… theyre paying us more than they need to.

And your response?

What a great way to do business!

JOHN LEVESQUE is the managing editor of Seattle Business magazine.