Final Analysis: Creating a Mariners Diversion

March 21, 2014

John Levesque

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When march turns to april, a sports fans thoughts inevitably turn to baseball. In Seattle, thats not necessarily a happy thing. So what can local businesses do to take our minds off another season of Mariners mediocrity? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you I.M. Ondaball, CEO of People Reliving Our Memorable Occasions (PROMO) and executive director of Can You Dig It?, a think tank devoted to finding alternate uses for partially excavated tunnels.
PROMO is here to help us relive the good times, Ondaball says, and weve devised a multilayered program that will keep us delighting in the Seahawks Super Bowl championship for months to come. Its so pervasive that you wont even know the Mariners are playing.
Ondaball says the campaign involves links to phraseology unique to the Seahawks and their championship run. For example, he proposes a Feast Mode promotion involving restaurants all across the region. It would be similar to those deals that offer three-course, fixed-price meals. With Feast Mode, Ondaball explains, patrons will get three courses for $24, with each course consisting of an expertly prepared bag of Skittles. Is there a better way to get the Mariners off your mind? I think not.
At a news conference in Seattle, Ondaball outlined several other components of the program. Heres a sampling:
Legion of Bloom: Participating florists throughout the Puget Sound region will offer discounts on all Easter arrangements featuring the official Seahawks colors of college navy, action green, wolf gray and white. What better way to welcome spring than to embrace the colorful memories of winter? Ondaball asks.
Yeast Mode I: As they did during the Seahawks run-up to the NFL title, local microbreweries will create specialty brews celebrating the Super Bowl champs. Among the first off the bottling line: Kearse of the CLink IPA and Mebane Unbelievably Stout. Drink up, says Ondaball. Theres more to come, and we wont be charging Safeco Field prices.
Yeast Mode II: Bakeries will create artisanal breads in Marshawn Lynchs likeness. Gluten-free options available, Ondaball adds.
Region of Zoom: Participating law enforcement agencies will target motorists who camp in the left lane and insist on driving below the speed limit. Cops will pull them over and give them tickets to a Mariners game, Ondaball says. The resulting free flow of rush-hour traffic will forever be associated with the Sea-hawks and their winning ways.
DangerRust Protection: Russell Wilson will come to your house and help you undercoat your car during a Mariners telecast.
The 12th Pan: Certain kitchen-supply stores will throw in a free French-fryer aka the Golden Tater with the purchase of an 11-piece set of cooking utensils.
Decibel Places: Restaurants where its impossible to have a conversation with your dinner partner anyway will take turns vying for Guinness World Records in crowd noise. Diners will be eligible for free dessert if the added noise causes illegal procedure in the kitchen or unnecessary encroachment by the wait staff.
Ondaball believes these initiatives by PROMO will help sports fans get through the annual case of ennui that sets in around mid-July of every Mariners campaign. If we do our job right and parcel out these promotions judiciously, well take the community right up to the beginning of Seahawks training camp. Its the least the business community can do to thank the Seahawks for bringing the community together and for demonstrating that at least one professional team in this city knows how to build a winner.

John Levesque is the managing editor of Seattle Business magazine.