Ask, Dont Tell: Nine Ways Power Questions Help Us Build Better Business Relationships

Hoboken, NJ (February 2012)Just a few years ago, globalization was in full swing, and the world seemed to be bursting with an infinite supply of business. All this bounty lulled us into taking our customers for granted, maintains Andrew Sobeluntil the economy tanked and shattered the illusion of endless prosperity. Suddenly, the old-fashioned trusted relationship started to look good again.

In this post-Madoff era of unpredictability and suspicion, people are looking for deeper, more intimate, and more engaged relationshipsthe kind that reduce risk, says Sobel, author (along with coauthor, Jerold Panas) of Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others (Wiley, February 2012, ISBN: 978-11181196-3-1, $22.95) and three other books on long-term business relationships.

This is true of customers but also vendors, employees, and other business partners, he adds. The days of getting in, making money, and moving on to the next guy are over. When times are tough and the future is uncertain, people want to put down roots and partner with people they truly like and trust.

Bottom line: In todays markets, the most valuable commodity is the ability to connect with others and rapidly build trust. And that begins by asking the right questions.

Asking questions and letting people come up with their own answers is far more effective than spouting facts or trying to talk someone into something, Sobel explains. Telling creates resistance. Asking creates relationships.

In his book Sobel explores dozens of questions that light fires under people, challenge their assumptions, help them see problems in productive new ways, and inspire them to bare their souls (which, of course, strengthens the bonds in the relationship).

Here are nine ways questions can transform professional and personal relationships:

Questions turn one-dimensional, arms-length business relationships into personal relationships that endure for years. When a relationship is all business and there is no real personal connection, it lacks heart and soul, says Sobel. And therefore you are a commoditya kind of fungible expert-for-hire. A clientor your bosscan trade you out for a new model with no remorse or emotion. But when youve connected personally, the situation is transformed because clients stick with people they like. Bosses hold on to team members they feel passionately about. Your expertise and competence get you in the door, but its the personal connection that then builds deep loyalty.

Sobel tells the story of a senior partner in a top consulting firm who had to meet with the CEO of a major client. Other consultants were nipping at their heels to get more business from this company. This powerful, confident CEO, who was in his 60s and near retirement, had seen hundreds of consulting reports. At the end of a routine briefing, the senior partner paused and asked the CEO, Before we break up, can I ask you a question? The CEO nodded. The partner said, Youve had an extraordinary career. You have accomplished so much, starting at the very first rung of the ladder, on the manufacturing floor. As you look aheadis there something else youd like to accomplish? Is there a dream youve yet to fulfill?

The CEO was nearly stunned. He thought for a moment and replied, No one has ever asked me that question. No one. And then he began talking about a deeply held dream he had for his retirement. That question was the turning point in building a long-term, deeply personal relationship with an influential business leader.

They make the conversation about the other personnot about them. Most of us dont care what other people thinkwe want to know first if they care about us. The need to be heard is one of the most powerful motivating forces in human nature. Thats why one of Sobels power questions is, What do you think? Another is, Can you tell me more?

Theres an anecdote I love about a woman who has dinner, in the same month, with two great rival British statesmen of the 19th century, Gladstone and Disraeli, says Sobel. When asked to compare the two men she says, After my dinner with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in the world. And then she adds, After my dinner with Mr. Disraeli, I felt as though I were the cleverest woman in all of England!

When you make the conversation all about you, others may think you are clever, he adds. But you will not build their trust. You will not learn about them. You will squander the opportunity to build the foundations for a rich, long-term relationship.

They cut through the blah, blah, blah and create more authentic conversations. No doubt you can relate to this scenario. A person says, I want to bounce something off you. Then, he proceeds to spend ten minutes telling you every detail of a very convoluted situation he is enmeshed in. You do yourself and the other person a favor by getting him to focus on the true kernel of his issue. Simply ask: What is your question?

This is a tough-love question, admits Sobel. People will resist itoften strenuously. But you must ask it. It forces them to take the first step toward clarifying what the issue is and what advice they really need from you. Youll reduce the amount of posturing people do and will move faster toward an authentic conversation.

They help people clarify their thinking and get out of the cave. The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said that we perceive reality as if we are chained inside a dark cave. In that cave, we see only the blurred shadows of life outside the cave as they are projected on a dark wall at the back. Our understanding of reality is filtered and distorted.

By asking a series of questions, Socrates would engage his students minds in the learning process. In this way he uncovered assumptions and slowly but surely got to the heart of the issue. The Socratic Method is still used at Harvard Business Schooland it can enable you to help others see the true reality instead of shadowy representations of it.

Instead of saying, We need to improve our customer service! Sobel suggests asking: How would you assess our customer service levels today? Or, How is our service impacting our customer retention? If someone at work says, We need more innovation, ask, Can you describe what innovation means to you? How would we know if we had more of it? Or if there is a call for more teamwork, ask, What do you mean when you say teamwork?

They help you zero in on what matters most to the other person. The next time youre talking to someone and realize youve lost hershes fidgeting, shes stopped asking questions, maybe shes sneaking glances at the clockask this question: What is the most important thing we should be discussing today? You will instantly connect with what really matters to herand the conversation that ensues will help her see you as relevant and valuable.

Even if your agenda doesnt get met, hers will, asserts Sobel. And then she will want to enthusiastically reciprocate. In business its critical to be seen as advancing the other persons agenda of essential priorities and goals. When time is spent together on issues that are truly important to both parties, the relationship deepens and grows.

They help others tap into their essential passion for their work. One of the highest-impact power questions you can ask is, Why do you do what you do? It grabs people by the heart and motivates them. When they seriously consider and answer this question, the room will light up with passion. Dull meetings will transform into sessions that pop with energy and generate ideas that vault over bureaucratic hurdles and create real impact.

We do things for many reasons, writes Sobel. But when you put should in front of those reasons, you can be certain all the pleasure and excitement will soon be drained away. No one gets excited about should. In contrast, when you unveil the true why of someones work and actionswhen you get them to start sentences with I love to or I get excited whenyou will find passion, energy, and motivation.

They inspire people to work at a higher level. The late Steve Jobs was notorious for pushing employees. He asked people constantly, Is this the best you can do? Its a question that infused Apples corporate culture from the beginning. Its one that helped revolutionize the desktop computing, music, and cellular phone industries. And its one that you can use toosparingly and carefullywhen you need someone to stretch their limits and do their very best work.

Often, we settle for mediocrity when we need to do our best, reflects Sobel. Mediocrity is the enemy of greatness. Asking, Is this the best you can do? helps others achieve things they did not believe possible.

They can save you from making a fool of yourself. Before responding to a request or answering someones question to you, its often wise to get more information about what the other person really wants. When a potential employer says, Tell me about yourself, you can bore them to tears by rambling on and on about your lifeor you could respond by asking, What would you like to know about me? When a prospect asks, Can you tell me about your firm? the same dynamic applies. Most people go on and on about their company, but the client is usually interested in one particular aspect of your business, not how many offices you have in Europe. Ever seen someone answer the wrong question? Its painful to watch. Asking a clarifying question can save you huge embarrassment.

A potential client asked me for the names of three references to call, Sobel tells us. Instead of running around and drumming up the names, I pushed back, and asked, What particular information are you seeking? Any references I give you are only going to rave about me! It turned out the prospect had no interest in actual references. And in fact, had she called my past clients under that pretense, it could have been potentially embarrassing to me for them to make such a big deal about a small speaking engagement. What she really wanted to understand was how other clients of mine had tackled the organizational resistance she was expecting. This questionand the subsequent conversationturned a small lead for a keynote speech into a major, year-long project.

They can salvage a disastrous conversation. Sobels coauthor, Jerry Panas, recalls the time he asked a man named Allan for a million-dollar donation to his alma maters College of Engineering. Though he knew better, the author failed to gain rapport and explore Allans true motivations before jumping in with the big request. When Allan rebuked him for his presumptuousness, Panas realized he had made a serious error. He apologized, left the room, and twenty seconds later knocked on the door and asked the power question, Do you mind if we start over?

Start over they did, and Panas ultimately discovered that Allan might indeed be interested in making a giftbut to the Universitys theater program, not its engineering program!

Things like this happen all the time in businessand at home, reflects Sobel. Interactions get off on the wrong foot, and someone gets angry or offended or just shuts down. But people are forgiving. They want to have a great conversation with you. Asking, Do you mind if we start over? will disarm the other person and make him smile. That smile will ease the way to a new beginning.

One of the greatest benefits of becoming a master questioner is that it takes a lot of pressure off us, notes Sobel. Its a huge relief to know that you dont have to be quick, clever, or wittythat you dont have to have all the answers.

All business interactions are human interactions, he says. And part of being human is acknowledging that you dont know everything about everythingand that you certainly dont know everything about the other person and her needs. Questions help you understand these things more deeply.

The right questions unleash a cascade of innermost feelings and vibrant conversations, he adds. They help you bypass whats irrelevant and get straight to whats truly meaningful. They make people like you, trust you, and want to work with youand once youve achieved that, the battle is already won.

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About the Authors:
Andrew Sobel is the most widely published author in the world on client loyalty and the capabilities required to build trusted business relationships. His first book, the bestselling Clients for Life, defined an entire genre of business literature about client loyalty. His other books include Making Rain and the award-winning All for One: 10 Strategies for Building Trusted Client Partnerships.

For 30 years, Andrew has worked as both a consultant to senior management and as an executive educator and coach. His clients have included leading corporations such as Citigroup, Xerox, and Cognizant; as well as professional service firms such as Ernst & Young, Booz Allen Hamilton, Towers Watson, and many others. His articles and work have been featured in a variety of publications such as the New York Times, Business Week, and the Harvard Business Review. Andrew is a graduate of Middlebury College and earned his MBA at Dartmouths Tuck School.

Andrew is an acclaimed keynote speaker who delivers idea-rich, high-energy speeches and seminars at major conferences and events. His topics include Developing Clients for Life; Creating a Rainmaking Organization; Collaborating to Grow Revenue; The Beatles Principles; and Power Questions That Win New Business. He can be reached at https://andrewsobel.com.

Jerry Panas is executive partner of Jerold Panas, Linzy & Partners, one of the worlds most highly regarded firms in the field of fundraising services and financial resource development. His firm has served over 2,500 client-institutions since its founding in 1968. Jerrys clients comprise many of the foremost not-for-profit institutions in the world. They include every major university, museum, and healthcare center in the United States. Internationally, Jerry has advised organizations as diverse as the University of Oxford, The American Hospital in Paris, and Nuestros Pequenos Hermanos in Mexico, the largest orphanage in the world.

Jerry is the author of 13 popular books, including the all-time bestsellers Asking and Mega Gifts. He is founder and chairman of the board of the Institute for Charitable Giving, one of the most significant providers of training in philanthropy.

Because of the prominence of the firm and the impact of Jerrys writing, few have had a greater influence in the history of the profession. He is a favorite speaker at conferences and workshops across the nation. He gives over 50 keynote speeches a year with a variety of titles, including Shaking the Money Tree; Be the Best You Can Be; The Magic Partnership; Listen!; and I Hear a Gift, Aim High. He can be reached at https://jeroldpanas.com.

About the Book:
Power Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others (Wiley, February 2012, ISBN: 978-11181196-3-1, $22.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and all major online booksellers.