Memorandum

To: All Staff

From: Bill M. Wallhead, CEO

Subject: Update for 2009-2010

It’s been a tough year for us at Cellular Accessories Limited, but I’m taking this opportunity to announce the good news early. By now, as you may be aware, the economy is well on the way to recovery. Thanks to the diligent cost-control measures we’ve taken, CAL will finish 2009 with a tidy profit!

With that in mind, here are the “correct-sizing” steps we’ll be taking to ensure we will be even more successful this coming year.

PRODUCTS

While our consumer level “My Little Phony” fur-lined cell phone holders haven’t done well in the current recession (hence the discontinuation of “Fido” and “Fluffy” models), all four elite-level models (mink, seal, lemur and panda) have done well, thanks to the Guangxi factory’s proximity to suppliers and the federal bailout. We’ll soon be expanding the lineup to include models in cetacean leather and “rhinivory.”

FINANCE

After a series of unfavorable audits, we’ve changed our auditing firm to the boutique house of Coreleone-Putin, which guarantees favorable results. As an added synergy, they will also be providing bodyguard services for our executive team during travel, sales meetings, company picnics, etc. Meanwhile, we will be doing some equipment upgrades among the in-house staff. New counting beans will be issued next month.

INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY

With the rising cost of proprietary software, we’ve decided that we will no longer purchase Microsoft Windows and Office for our workstations. We will be replacing them with the more affordable open-source Windose and Orifice package from Makrosoft Huangju Lucky No. 1 All-American Softwares Co. Ltd. We understand user manuals in English should be available within the next 12 months. Until we’ve done the full implementation, please send mission-critical communications via sneakernet. (Unless communicating with the executive team, in which case sending via wingtipnet is compulsory).

FACILITIES

In keeping with our company-wide open door policy, we are removing all doors from offices. In response to employee concerns about non-opening windows, we will also be implementing a companywide open-ceiling policy. Winter is right around the corner, so the rain should cut down on freeway fumes in the office. If this inconveniences anyone, we still have a small number of “18 Years of Positive Team Spirit” commemorative umbrellas from the 2004 company meeting that we can provide at cost. (Doors with iris-scanning locks, inlays of rare Brazilian hardwood, 14-carat gold knockers, spikes, or which lead to the dungeon are exempt.) In order to maintain morale, we’ll keep up the executive team’s F-22 rides until they’re not fun anymore.

HUMAN RESOURCES

Our various morale initiatives (Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, Walk to Work Day, Annual 10K Run, etc.) are fun, but they drain resources, and we simply can’t afford to dedicate the peon-hours necessary to plan and execute them. With that in mind, we have merged these events into a single event, the 10K Walk Your Daughter to Work Day. Also, to eliminate the staff redundancy this created, our Chief Morale Officer position has been merged with that of Wolf Kennel Master. We know Helga Heddschmacher will do a fabulous job; wait till you see her thigh boots! We wish Mary Bland the best in her new career as deli technician.

In further sad news, Gravy, our beloved office poodle, had to be downgraded to a more affordable model. We know that the staff will quickly welcome and warm up to Millie Pede! As usual, please sign up for walk duty.

With all these changes on the horizon, we feel that 2010 is going to be an even more successful year than 2009. Keep up the good work, and keep your chin up! It’s mandatory.

Sincerely,

“Beemer”

(By Chris Winters)