Final Analysis: Talkin’ Turkey

| FROM THE PRINT EDITION |
 
 

Memo to: Puffington Host Editorial staff

From: The publisher

Regarding: Butterball 2013XL

As you know, we were scooped by every newspaper, TV station, radio deejay, blogger and neighborhood gossip when Apple announced the new iPhone 5S in September. We cannot allow this to happen again. I mean, what in the name of Miley Cyrus is going on around here? Aside from anything that happens to Kate and William (and more Kate than William, really), there may be nothing as important on this planet — maybe even in the known universe — as the introduction of a new Apple product. Your first exposure to Journalism 101 should have taught you that. Yet we chose to cover President Obama’s address to the nation about the possibility of a military strike against Syria instead. Where was the news in that? Did the president say the missiles would rain down on Syria in an array of fashionable new colors while taking high-resolution pictures? Did he even bother to ask Siri where Syria is so that those who were paying attention to our sorry journalism could realize Syria isn’t even in America? What’s up with that?

As you know, the so-called journalists responsible for this dreadful display of news judgment have been dealt with and, I must say, the porcelain fixtures in the restrooms have never looked lovelier. (IMHO, the urinal cake carvings in the likenesses of my immediate family members were unnecessary.)

Let this be a warning. As Thanksgiving approaches, Butterball will be introducing a new line of 2013XL turkeys. If we drop the ball on this one, I will personally kick each of you who is responsible in the giblet of my choosing. These are tough times for journalism, and it is imperative that we tell the stories that used to be considered advertising because, let’s face it, nobody is advertising. If we don’t tell these stories, the companies could go out of business, and where will we be then? I’ll tell you. We’ll be covering the stuff that shows up on NPR and PBS.

Now, I believe strongly in keeping the business side of this operation separate from the news side. But I have it on good authority that some exciting advances will be part of Butterball’s 2013 rollout, and I wanted to share them with you in the interest of good journalism. Here they are:

  • Interchangeable drumsticks
  • Built-in fire extinguisher (even works if turkey is immersed in boiling oil)
  • Pop-up timer with 8-megapixel camera
  • Choice of injected brine solution, extra-virgin olive oil or WD-40 (to keep timer and camera lubricated)
  • Sausage & Apple Stuffing (Sausage & Android Stuffing available in some markets)
  • Designer colors: pinkish white, whitish pink, pale pink and pinker shade of pale
  • Butterball 2013XLc just like the high-end version but with fewer leftovers
  • Bells
  • Whistles

I’m sure there are even more features I haven’t heard about. My point is that this is the sort of stuff we ought to be covering on a daily basis. People don’t want to know that this year’s turkey is just like last year’s. They want to know that they can pay extra for things they don’t really need. That’s the American way of marketing to consumers these days and we should be at the forefront of covering these developments. If I may rework an old cliché about headlines: “Dog Bites Man.” That’s not news. “Man Bites Dog.” That’s news. “Man Bites Apple.” That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Thank you for your attention,

Sy Cophant

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