Dear Howard

Dear Howard,

Youve got a problem. You recognize it, I know. Since youve
retaken the reins, youve taken a few modest steps toward making Starbucks
attractive again. Keep it up, and youll get there. Maybe around 2020.

But you havent got that long. With the world economy in the
doldrums, itchy managers on Wall Street are hunting for anything that looks
remotely profligate to cut from their portfolios, and a $4 cup of coffee thats
mostly foam doesnt seem like a safe investment.

So lets look at radical change. The goal is rejuvenating
the brand. You tried making Starbucks synonymous with hipness, youth culture,
cutting edge, everything that was Seattle round about 1992, but that didnt
play well in Peoria. So lets steal a few ideas from other successful
megacorporations to solidify your stranglehold on middle America. Here are my
suggestions, but lets start with your most recent move:

Taking the pay wall off the Wi-Fi was a good start. Paid
internet access made sense 10 years ago, but not now. Not when the independent
coffeehouse across the street has an unsecured hotspot going. Good move. But
theres a downside.

OUT:
Bandwidth-squatting mobile offices at every table. IN: Uncomfortable chairs. Free Wi-Fi was the first
step to get people to come back into your stores. Now you need to get them to
leave. Keep the churn going. Hard plastic flat-backed chairs have been
scientifically proven (at a certain competing fast food chain) to make people
want to get up and leave after 15 minutes. Clown mascot not required (but see
below).

OUT: Surly baristas.
IN: Starbucks greeters. Lets show off those smiles and cover up the
tattoos.

OUT: Stale scones. IN: Doughnuts. They taste better, they last longer (up
to three weeks in a vacuum-sealed display case) and are more colorful. Choose:
brown, lumpy dough with spinach oozing out, or a perfectly round, shiny glazed
doughnut? With icing and sprinkles? Im just sayin.

OUT: Venti. IN: Big Sip. No one ever got those Italian words right. And injecting 64 ounces of
pure caffeine to the American diet could even bust the energy drink market wide
open.

OUT: Burned coffee. IN: … Help me out here.

OUT: Europe. IN: China. The English drink tea, the French drink out
of bowls, and the Italians wont drink anything larger than 6 ounces, and none
of them use paper cups. Besides, the Chinese will spend more for less (theyre
still snapping up dollars, right?) than those Euro-snobs ever will.

OUT: Gift cards. IN: StarBux Signature Visa Cards. Compounded interest. Enough said.

OUT: Last years
bestsellers. IN: StarBooks
print-on-demand machines. With a potentially infinite number of titles
available on the internet for zero cost, these instant pulps are almost pure
profit. No one cares if most of them are self-published.

OUT: The original
Starbucks store in Pike Place Market. IN: StarbucksLand theme park. Why feature a dirty standing-room-only
cramped storefront for a $4 coffee when you can charge $20 per head, not
counting ride tickets, T-shirts, favorable exchange rates for StarBucks
currency (see the Signature card above; there could be synergies to exploit
here). For mascots, get costumed baristas with tip jars. Im thinking we can
come up with a roster of archetypal characters usually found in the stores that
the kids/Japanese will identify with: Hipster Hamster, Stubble Stoat, PropaPanda
and so on. Its the beginning of a whole new franchise. Maybe even the French
will come back.

Let me know your feedback.