Rebranding the Atom

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Before I begin my
proposal, lets recap some basic history, OK?

Three Mile Island did not help our industry. Chernobyl we
could blame on the Soviets, but our Pennsylvania: the Price of Progress
campaign never took off the way we hoped. Since then, construction of new
plants has ground to a halt. Resuscitating that giant lizard under Tokyo Bay
didnt help matters.

But there is some hope on the horizon. With the Obama
administration proposing $54 billion in loan guarantees in 2011 for new plant
construction, the time to strike is now. The industry is getting ready to
explode, but without a strategic communications plan designed to improve the
public image of nuclear power, whatever potential energy might be behind this
plan will fizzle. Here, then, is my proposal for defusing the issue.

(Pause. Wait for laughter.)

Nuclear power has several advantages over conventional
power. But to sell those advantages to a skeptical public, where such
catastrophes as Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and The Day After are still fresh in our memory, we need to counteract
those images with an aggressive three-step campaign for Rebranding the Atom.

Step One: Fuel. The main arguments made over nuclear fuel
are that its expensive to produce and can be turned into bombs. Well have to
dismantle these argumentsdifficult, but not impossible.

For expensive we can substitute precious, like diamonds.
You know, the diamonds are forever campaign? Something similar, although
uranium is forever isnt what I have in mind. Im thinking tequila. We should
brand nuclear fuel with different levels of purity. Well call depleted U-238
silver, commercial-grade 3-percent U-235 fuel gold and weapons-grade
90-percent U-235 anejo. As for the bomb part, your chances of being affected
by a nearby atomic explosion are
infinitesimal compared with, say, getting struck by lightning, stepping on a
land mine or getting black lung from a nearby coal plant. We need to remind the
public that the odds are in their favor. As Einstein would say, everything is
relative!

Step Two: Reaction. As in nuclear reaction. This is where
it gets tricky, since the byproduct of most nuclear reactions is radiation, and
thats kind of a buzzkill. Theres a strong fear element that we have to
overcome. For that reason, we have to be very careful about messaging. No referencing the earlier incidents, or
using the words waste, radiation, radioactive, meltdown, fallout,
cancer, or mutation. And probably best not to mention nuclear, either.

Instead, we should point out that the sun, which gives life
to everything on Earth, is nothing more than a giant reactor, and the gently
warming sunlight is its radiation. How do we often see the sun depicted? With a
happy face! (Show visual.) Well
commission a bunch of childrens art for this project. Behold our new brand:
Happy Sun Power!

Step Three: Waste. This is also somewhat problematic because
even if most people didnt think monsters whenever you say half-life,
defining the term correctly is even worse. And who was the PR consultant who
came up with Yucky Mountain? We might as well bury the waste at Mount Doom.

So instead of seeing waste as a problem for the human race
that will last for several million years, lets take a page from the design of
state-of-the-art breeder reactors. Its our fuel for the future! Were not
disposing of it; were setting it aside
for future use! Were investing
it … in a very deep cave with thick metal doors and robot guards.

With this program for reviving the nuclear power industry,
the public will soon be Living Better Through Happy Sun Power!